Parental Alienation. What comes to mind when you hear those words? Warring parents calling one another names in front of their children? Angry fathers resentful about child support payments making snide comments about a greedy mother? How about a mother feeling rejected because dad has a just started dating a pretty, young woman and mom just cannot stop making nasty remarks about a father trying to relive his younger years to their children? How about a parent who has majority custody creating excuses for why the child can’t spend time with the other parent?
Indeed, all of these can be examples of parental alienation, and most often it comes in such overt forms as these. Many books have been written on the topic and it is tragic. But there is another way parental alienation presents itself. Sometimes making it harder and more frustrating to address not to mention putting the child in a very precarious situation.
For example, while two people living together, have a child and have always agreed that the child’s homework is to be done before any television on school nights. Then the parents separate. The child experiences some understandable difficulty with the separation and wants to watch television before doing homework when staying with one of the parents. That parent feels badly for the child and allows it. When the child is with the other parent, that information is reported by the child because the child believes that flexibility will be allowed in both houses. However, the second parent is not pleased and addresses the situation with the first parent. Initially, the first parent explains to the second that the child is struggling with the separation and some latitude should be given. But the second parent disagrees, and it becomes a point of contention between the parents. Neither will relent and the situation escalates. As this continues, it becomes more of an issue between the parents and the second parent sees the behavior as an attack on their previous parenting decision and feels disrespected and alienated. No name calling or snide remarks, nothing spoken about either parent, just an action that negates what had been agreed upon in the past as one parent continues to do something and the other refuses to do it. A very subtle form of parental alienation.
Why? It can often be easy to see the cause of more blatant forms of parental alienation. A request for the divorce, an unexpected request for child support, a new girlfriend, a move further away or sometimes, the realization that a family is truly no longer going to exist as it once did. But the subtle forms of parental alienation can be harder to detect, more difficult to understand and the reasons are not so obvious. Disappointment, hurt, guilt and simply trying to do better are often the reasons parents fall into the trap. And it can be a trap. Once it starts, it can become impossible for a parent to get control because a child is aware of the benefits of the situation and makes certain to let the parent know how much they enjoy the benefits. It becomes a self-fueling action. The parents are failing to communicate because of their anger about it. The child is unwittingly pitting the parents against one another because of the secondary gain, and everyone is losing.
As a neutral facilitator, what are the questions a mediator can ask, when parties bring this scenario into mediation? Are either of the parties expressing discontent about the situation? How might a discontented party be hoping the resolution of that issue might bring them closer to an agreement? Do they have any suggestions? This is mediation and if the parties are talking, they’re negotiating assuming the conversation is respectful and productive. The mediator is going to encourage critical conversations that might bring them to an understanding of one another’s positions thus leading to a change. Diving deeper and getting clarification on the issues in the non-judgmental mediation setting can create the environment for them to discuss a mutually agreeable resolution.
Subtle forms of parental alienation are not simple or easy to deal with, but once detected need to be addressed. They are destructive and will erode family structures as much as parental alienation syndrome. When parties bring this into mediation, it is important to give this matter the attention it deserves and be aware it is not simply parents who are acting out.
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